LilySlim - Fitness goals

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

BFN

Just like that, it is over. John & I took a half day from work so we could be together at home to listen to the message. I turned my phone off at 9:45am because I knew the call would come in before I made it home, and I didn't want to be tempted. I prayed as it powered down that we would turn it on at noon to get the best message of our life.

Instead, we heard Nurse Jessica's sad tone telling us that it was not good news, and she was so sorry that she had to leave us a message to tell us. My beta is zero and I am not pregnant.

I was numb to the news for a few hours. I didn't even cry as John and I hugged each other and he said words to fill the silence. He said things like, "I really thought this was going to be it for us." All I could say was that I was sorry.

We only laid there for a few minutes until I rallied the strength to tell the girls on IDOB. John got up to make lunch, and we decided to spend the day taking over the "should be a nursery but is actually a crap room."

Before...
We have lots of work to do here
Color samples... purple for the Fabulous Room, blue/gray for our bedroom 
What do you think of the paint colors? We are thinking Dark Purple only for the accent wall.
We still have work to do in here, but got a lot done today.
The plan is to make the room into a Fabulous Room. I have no freaking clue what we're going to put in there... honestly, we have so many empty rooms in this house. It really saddens me. Maybe a second music room? Crafting room? Day dreaming room??

By 4:00, I decided that I was ready to call my clinic and schedule our WTF appointment. As I was on hold waiting to talk to someone, the other line buzzed through... it was Dr. M. He said he was so sorry (and sounded like he really meant it). I told him that we understood that this outcome was a realistic possibility. He apologized that Nurse Jessica had to leave a message. I told him that was actually our preference. I then told him that we are not the "take a break and think it over for a while" type of people. We want to schedule our WTF appointment ASAP so we can come up with a decision and move on quickly. He then offered his first availability on Thursday at 3:30. Good. I already feel better knowing that we have an appointment.

Dr. M said that he has some ideas to improve our cycle for the next time. While that is wonderful to hear that he actually has hope for us, we are one IVF cycle short of reaching our lifetime max covered by insurance. While we have the means to pay OOP a bit, there is also a limit to the depth of our pockets. And there's the tempting double-edged sword in that our insurance covers egg donors. Is it time to give up on the dream of a biological connection to my child? Can I possibly be ok knowing that my little girl won't have my bouncy curls or the unfortunate family nose? Or is it more important to move onto something that will work? Now?

I have been around the block enough times to know that I shouldn't tempt fate by saying, "I don't know how much longer I can stay strong and keep this up." So for now, I'm going to stick with this: "FUCK YOU INFERTILITY!!"

24 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your BFN. I've been there and know how much it hurts. You sound very similar to me actually in the way you look to the next plan. We are also considering either one last cycle with my own eggs or pursuing donor eggs. It's such a difficult decision- sometimes I wish I was able to see into the future so I could know what to do. I'll be thinking of you and hope you and your husband have some direction after your WTF on Thursday x

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    1. I am so sorry you know this pain and are in a similar situation. If I knew where to send it, I'd send you thoughts of peace & clarity. Do you have a blog?

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  2. I am so sorry about the bfn. I was so hoping this ninja was the one. I think you are an amazing and strong woman, and I know you will find a plan that is right for you and your hubs. I am thinking of you and rooting for you ALWAYS. <3 <3

    P.S. I like the purple accent wall. :)

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    1. Thanks TTU, I thought Ninja was the one too. I'm loving the colors for the Fab Room too and hope it makes me feel better to have it done. At the moment, I just feel like I have a big, empty house and uterus.

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  3. My heart broke reading this, I will always remember ninja. I'm with you on moving right along it always helps me. Get those running shoes on girl and yell fuif all the way.

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    1. Ninja will forever be a miracle in my eyes. I am so sad for her, but cannot be mad. I know she tried her best, and we did too.

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  4. I'm so very sorry, Cici. Sending lots of love and hugs your way <3 <3 <3
    And I'm joining in, very loudly I might add: FU IF!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Thank you, love, keep the FUIFs coming

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  5. I'm so sorry CiCi. My heart is broken for you, but I'm so glad that you have the strength to get up and keep going. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you try to figure out your next step. Hugs <3

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    1. Get up and keep going is the only choice. Even if it is painful, well, so is laying down and taking it.

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  6. FU IF for sure! I hate that this cycle didn't work for you and am sending you tons of love and prayers. I hope that your WTF appointment gives you some answers and helps to guide you in making a tough decision. HUGE HUGS

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    1. Thank you, FM, we march on. Where to, I don't know, but march, march, march.

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  7. I am so sorry about the BFN, it breaks my heart. It's hard when you realize that you are closing in on the point that finances dictating how you move forward. I know that you two (and Dr. M) will come up with a great plan for moving forward. Let me know if you ever need anything. I'm here even if you just need someone to vent to. FUIF!

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    1. <3 to you, Twinkie, I am sorry you know first hand about this pain.

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  8. FUIF!!! Im so sad for you and sending you lots of hugs. What ever you decide, know you have so many of us supporting you. Be good to yourself.

    -Jaztaz1

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    1. <3 to you, Jaz, and thank you for your support. You know it's mutual. Hugs for you

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  9. CC, my heart is breaking for you. FUIF is right! Praying for you, friend.

    -chiwifey

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    1. Oh, Chi, I know you have had a hard path and understand the pain far too well. I fear I will never make it over to the other side and join you girls on SAIF. And if I ever do, like you, I will never forget this pain. These scars run deep. Xo

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  10. I'm so sorry. I hope your WTF provides you a solid path forward. FUIF, indeed!

    On a more frivolous topic, when I was still single I painted my bedroom your "fabulous room" colors (the medium purple and cream trim) and loved it!

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    1. Thank you, Carol. I love those colors as they remind me of one of the most courageous and beautiful women in my life.

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  11. I'm so, so sorry for the BFN. FU IF!!!!! I hope you guys get a good plan in place from your WTF appt. ((Hugs))

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