BFN

Just like that, it is over. John & I took a half day from work so we could be together at home to listen to the message. I turned my phone off at 9:45am because I knew the call would come in before I made it home, and I didn't want to be tempted. I prayed as it powered down that we would turn it on at noon to get the best message of our life.

Instead, we heard Nurse Jessica's sad tone telling us that it was not good news, and she was so sorry that she had to leave us a message to tell us. My beta is zero and I am not pregnant.

I was numb to the news for a few hours. I didn't even cry as John and I hugged each other and he said words to fill the silence. He said things like, "I really thought this was going to be it for us." All I could say was that I was sorry.

We only laid there for a few minutes until I rallied the strength to tell the girls on IDOB. John got up to make lunch, and we decided to spend the day taking over the "should be a nursery but is actually a crap room."

Before...

We have lots of work to do here

Color samples... purple for the Fabulous Room, blue/gray for our bedroom 

What do you think of the paint colors? We are thinking Dark Purple only for the accent wall.

We still have work to do in here, but got a lot done today.

The plan is to make the room into a Fabulous Room. I have no freaking clue what we're going to put in there... honestly, we have so many empty rooms in this house. It really saddens me. Maybe a second music room? Crafting room? Day dreaming room??

By 4:00, I decided that I was ready to call my clinic and schedule our WTF appointment. As I was on hold waiting to talk to someone, the other line buzzed through... it was Dr. M. He said he was so sorry (and sounded like he really meant it). I told him that we understood that this outcome was a realistic possibility. He apologized that Nurse Jessica had to leave a message. I told him that was actually our preference. I then told him that we are not the "take a break and think it over for a while" type of people. We want to schedule our WTF appointment ASAP so we can come up with a decision and move on quickly. He then offered his first availability on Thursday at 3:30. Good. I already feel better knowing that we have an appointment.

Dr. M said that he has some ideas to improve our cycle for the next time. While that is wonderful to hear that he actually has hope for us, we are one IVF cycle short of reaching our lifetime max covered by insurance. While we have the means to pay OOP a bit, there is also a limit to the depth of our pockets. And there's the tempting double-edged sword in that our insurance covers egg donors. Is it time to give up on the dream of a biological connection to my child? Can I possibly be ok knowing that my little girl won't have my bouncy curls or the unfortunate family nose? Or is it more important to move onto something that will work? Now?

I have been around the block enough times to know that I shouldn't tempt fate by saying, "I don't know how much longer I can stay strong and keep this up." So for now, I'm going to stick with this: "FUCK YOU INFERTILITY!!"