Lining Check #2

Whew! The fluid is GONE!!!

I got the doctor I like today for my ultrasound, though I had to hold the giggles back. Last night, a few girls & I on the Dreamer page were getting silly and nicknamed our doctors. Long story short, Dr. Doogie came through the door today and I could hear the theme of Doogie Howser in my head :D

My lining is measuring at 5.2, is Type I, and the fluid is gone. This is a big improvement from the last time! I asked the doctor to explain if there are any concerns because there was fluid a few days ago. He told me that fluid in the lining at the time of transfer is a big deal and would require canceling the transfer. But as long as it clears out before the transfer, then there are no implications to be concerned about. He said that just because it was there a few days ago doesn't mean that our chances are reduced at all (unless it's still there at the time of transfer). I am so relieved!! I also asked him if it's ok for me to be running and doing core and strength workouts right now. I got the green light :D

I am increasing my dose of Estrace from 2mg taken orally twice daily to 2mg taken vaginally three times a day. My nurse explained that this will help the body to absorb it more efficiently to thicken my lining. I have heard of "smurf cootch" from some of the ladies on TB. I am not looking forward to this!! But obviously, I'll do whatever it takes to get my lining in perfect condition.

Lining Check #1

Well, shit. That didn't go well at all.

Strike 1: Dr. Kim did my ultrasound. It was obvious that he still remembers me, and our awkward consultation. I still intensely dislike that man.

Strike 2: My lining is a Type II... on the sixth day of estrogen, I get the feeling that it shouldn't be. Dr. Kim asked me if I was still bleeding... no....

Strike 3: There is a sack of fluid in my lining. This is extremely alarming. We found out on the night of our trigger for IVF #1 that we had fluid documented in my lining. This was the first time I heard that was even a thing. Dr. Jurema insisted that it was alright to proceed, and that the fluid had resolved itself. The result of that cycle was obviously a BFN. We will never know why... our embryos probably arrested... and if by some miracle they did make it to blastocyst, maybe it was my lining. I don't know what it was, but it is something that I carry around as a regret.

I have said from the beginning: if the conditions in my uterus are not ideal, then I don't want to go forward with the transfer. We can't take any chances with our one and only embryo. My nurse will call me this afternoon with further instructions. I will ask her a lot of questions and tell her that we want to cancel. She will tell us the truth.

I feel so angry. And deeply disappointed. I feel like this is never going to happen for us. I know I'm just saying this, and that I don't mean it, but... I want to give up. I hate this. I hate my body for betraying us time and time again.

Baseline & Estrace

I guess today is CD4. I had my baseline on Wednesday and everything looked good to get started with our FET cycle. Everytime I think of, say or type that we are doing a FET cycle... I still can't believe it. I feel so incredibly lucky to have this chance.

I started Estrace on Wednesday, and return for Lining Check #1 on Monday. I forgot about the lovely headaches I get with Estrace. And the weepy mess I become. But it's really not too terrible. I can tolerate it just fine.

I am only allowing myself to think one step at a time. I can't waste time, energy or valuable vibes with negative thoughts. I can't think about what happens if... It's just too final.

I am channeling every ounce of my being to my uterus, willing it to create the perfect home for our ninja. Like the C+B guides me to envision, I picture two open arms in my uterus ready to embrace our embryo. I am calm. I am warm. I am soft.

I am ready.

Mad at the Universe

I woke up this morning with a "hangover" from last night's pity party. That in and of itself pisses me off. How is it possible to be hungover when I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in seven months?! Augh. The emotional stress of infertility is far more powerful than any substance you can abuse like alcohol or drugs.

I just feel like life is so unfair. I am so mad. I'm mad at my ovaries and my body. I'm mad that people die of cancer at the age of 33. I'm mad that so many of us are hurting day in and day out. I'm mad that people even have to go through the suffering and loss related to infertility, miscarriages, and diseases. I'm just so mad.

I'm trying to see the positive there is in the world... it's very hard to see the light right now. Maybe making a list of the good will help?

1. Frostie Ninja is "normal" and waiting for transfer.
2. John. Mocha. Coda.
3. Baseline scan looked good this morning. As long as blood work comes back normally, then we'll start prepping for our transfer tonight.
4. Ladies from TB & Dreamers who understand.

Ok, that did help. I'm going to try to focus on the four points listed above, and force the negative out. 

I just wish this wasn't so hard.

One of those days

I am having one of those days. You know the kind. I just want to bury myself in chocolate ice cream. One small problem: the freezer door was left ajar the whole day, so we now have ice cream soup :-/

The spoiled ice cream was just the icing on top of the cake. Today was a friend's funeral... really, very sad. She was 33 years old, and lost her 11 month battle with leukemia. It is hard to see her boyfriend, John's best friend, deal with the loss.

I got home from the funeral, and just wanted to curl up on the couch (with some ice cream... dammit, still pissed). I noticed a box on my front porch. I forgot that our meds order was coming soon. I opened it up to find three more boxes of Endometrin and a box of Metrogel. Wait a minute, I didn't know my nurse ordered these for us!!! We have more than enough already in my house, we don't need these!! I don't want Endometrin to begin with... now I have six effing boxes of the stuff.

Augh, so I put my pajamas on, and figured, fine, just get to the couch and ice cream. Then realized that wasn't going to happen, and the tears started to flow. Stupid, I know.

Whatever, I am pretty sure I'm PMSing in some way or another. I've been spotting and cramping all day... my nurse said I may or may not bleed after coming off the pill. I just hate this all.

I have my baseline appointment tomorrow morning, but the mood I'm in right now, I could care less. I am just having one of those days. Ya know?

FUIF Fitness Friday Challenge

I must admit that when I saw this check-in group getting formed, I thought to myself, "Here we go again..." It is next to impossible to maintain any level of fitness when pursuing IVF. At least it is for me.

I am a marathoner who has been on the sidelines since we started with the RE last April (holy SHIT, it is almost our one year mark...). Prior to all of this IF stuff, I had a very active and fit lifestyle. I averaged anywhere from 35-50 miles a week with at least two core & strength workouts a week. My nutrition sort of took care of itself. When I'm in training, I gravitate naturally towards a very balanced and healthy meal plan. Of course I like to indulge in a few treats here and there, but that's ok when you're burning hundreds of calories a day in training. In addition, my stress level was always decently in control because running was my great equalizer. It's the perfect way to blow off steam or do some soul searching.

Sadly, it's not possible to do the above when your ovaries are bursting at the seams. I figured out quickly that I could still run at certain times during my cycle, but I had to scale it way, way back. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this setback put me into a depression. I went through phases of, "Ah, fuck it!" and I'd either end up on the couch with a bowl of ice cream to drown my sorrows. Or I'd defiantly lace up and run my ass off (like the night before my lap... I hadn't run anything longer than 4-5 miles in weeks, but I went out and forced 14 miles. Not really a smart move on my part). By the time August rolled around, it was looking pretty certain that we were heading for IVF, so I gave up on the running almost completely.

Three rounds of IVF later, and my running fitness level is next to nothing. I am at square one while all of my running buddies are whizzing by me with their medals and celebratory long run donuts. Fuck.

So then up pops the post, "Is anyone interested in doing a fitness check-in on this board?" In the past, these check-ins have just depressed me even further. But I decided to give it a go. And so far... it's working! We're about a week and a half in, and I'm on track to meet or surpass my goals :D

My FUIF Fitness Goals:

1. Workouts - I'm doing a modified version of the 30/30 challenge (30 minutes of activity a day for 30 days). I've tried "streaking" before (not what you think... running everyday without a rest day) and absolutely hated it. I love running. But I also really value rest! So my workout goal is to do 210 minutes of exercise a week (30 minutes x 7 days = 210 minutes... but I can distribute it however I want). My philosophy: I'll run when I can. If I can't run, I'll walk. If I can't walk, I'll crawl. If I can't crawl, I'll eat chocolate ;)
2. Nutrition - regain the balance in my diet. Try to limit how much we eat out, and minimize "binge" eating (especially with oreos and ice cream... oh, my weakness!!). I'd like to make a meal plan and do some preparation over the weekends.
3. Emotional Health - reduce my stress level. I'm still seeing my therapist, and I'm doing Circle+Bloom every day (HOORAY for the FET program!!!). In addition, I'm trying to remove the stressors from my schedule as we get ready for our transfer (bye bye MIL! See you in May).

Week One Progress:

1. Workouts - 210 minutes of exercise complete! I went for a few runs, a few walks with the dogs, and did a core and strength workout (and was very, very sore for days). Felt so good to move!!
2. Nutrition - I made a meal plan for the week and mostly stuck to it :) I'm still indulging in a daily treat, but it's within reason.
3. Emotional Health - I totally admit that I've been falling asleep during my C+B sessions. I need to find a different time of day to do this so I can be more aware of the work I'm doing in this area. 

Week Two is in progress, and so far, so good!! 

CCS Results

This past Wednesday was a normal day at work. Jazz band in the morning followed by 4th grade lessons throughout the day. As my students were packing up from the 11:28 lesson, I was completely surprised to see a missed call and voicemail from my nurse. I knew that we'd be getting a call soon, but was never given a timeframe. I thought maybe Thursday or Friday we'd get this very important call.

It took all my strength and will power not to run over to the window (only place where I get service) and check the message that instant. I was tempted, but didn't want to lose it in front of my students. One student was taking an especially long time packing up. I ran over to help him saying, "I don't want you to be late for lunch!" Gahhhhh!! Move it, move it, move it!!!

When I was alone, I ran over to the window, said a quick prayer, and then hit the button on my phone to listen to the voicemail. I listened for clues in Nurse Jessica's voice as she started her message... Does her tone sound like it's good news or bad? Please, please, please let this be good news. Her intro sounds all business like... or is that her pity voice? Oh, god, is she getting ready to say the worst news? Her pitch just dropped and her cadence just slowed. Please, please, please don't say the worst. Then her tone picked up about ten notches as she said, "I have really good news for you today!"

Our embryo is chromosomally normal!!! I started crying the second she said those words and didn't stop for about 30 minutes. I was so happy!! And it was like all of the stress from the past several months just came pouring out of me. I couldn't concentrate on the rest of Jessica's message (she was giving me instructions for our FET cycle. EEEEEEE!!!!! We're going to have a FET!!!!), so I saved the message and hung up the phone. I called John and told him the news (through tears again, he was so cute, he said he wished I wasn't crying. When will he get it that I cry when I'm happy?!?!).

There was much celebration and rejoicing. To be honest, we are still blown away, humbled, and head-over-heals happy about this news. We have a fully hatched grade 6C blastocyst with 46 normal chromosomes. This is the best news ever!!! 

We will have a transfer in April, and we are now praying that my uterus will become the perfect home for Frostie Ninja. Please, please, please stick around little one!! 

I am a Sneaky Ninja Dreamer!!

Thanks for making the trip over here from my original blog. I love, love, love that blog, and will continue to utilize it (I plan to publish blog posts on a delay over there, but in real time over here). I just decided that I wanted a more private place for our story.

I have a few IRL friends who are invited to follow me on my other blog. That's all well and good, but as we continue on this part of our journey, I would like to have the chance to keep a few thoughts to myself. Mainly, I don't want to share our FET timeline with anyone IRL. It's not that I don't want them to know what's going on... I just don't want to deal with being asked for results when I'm going about my day to day business. If you're reading this blog, then I'm sure you know what I mean, and I can stop explaining right there.

Stay tuned, people! More to come later :) For now... it's sleepy time! Sweet ninja dreams!!