But through it all, I have mostly known that I'm going to get through this, and in the end I am going to be alright. I admit that sometimes it has been hard to go about my 'normal life' due to the emotionally fragile state in which I find myself. I have had to withdraw from my family, friends and even my support groups at times to make this a little bit easier. In turn, I have missed out on a few things that I am sad to have missed.
I regret that I missed Easter with my family, but know it was for the best as we were nearing the end of the 2ww with our precious Ninja. I needed to remain calm and stress-free.
I regret that I missed a reunion with three amazing couples whom I have not seen in a long time. But I think I did the right thing by staying home because it would have been too painful to see two brand new baby bumps on two out of the three other ladies. And I didn't want to put myself in a more vulnerable position with the other couple who has been insensitive in the past.
I regret that I missed my best friend from kindergarten's baby shower. But again, I know it was the best move to protect myself at this time (especially being the day before Mother's Day).
I regret that we were not able to celebrate the excitement of a new pregnancy on Mother's Day as we so hoped and wished we would. But that part of the plan is not up to us, and there is nothing we can do to change it. We must move on.Where do we go from here? Aside from the grief that goes along with an IVF BFN, that question has been the primary source for my stress over the past 24 days. During our cycle with Frostie Ninja, I had resolved not to think ahead any farther than the next step. And I did an excellent job at doing that... I honestly did not think ahead about all of the many what if's.
Maybe that's why it has been so difficult the past 24 days. Because it all hit me like a ton of bricks. How many times do we go about our lives stressing about what could be? Think of all the time you've spent worrying about things that might have been that never were (thankfully). I don't want to live like that... I don't want to worry my days away. So I have no regrets for how we went about our cycles with Ninja.
We are in the midst of coming up with a new plan. It has been overwhelming and confusing when considering all of the options. I admit that anytime I have thought about it in the past, I have quickly dismissed the thought because I knew I was going to worry myself sick. Well, now here we are. I have to face it.
Our choices so far:
- IVF #4
- IUI #5, 6, 7, 8......
- See a Reproductive Immunologist
- IVF with Donor Eggs