I Have Been Quiet

There honestly hasn't been much to say. The past 24 days have been slow, painful, and at times unbearable. In between the stretches of sadness, depression, and heartache, there have been moments of sunshine, hope, and happiness. The emotional roller coaster of infertility continues to live up to its name: one minute, I am laughing, the next sobbing.

But through it all, I have mostly known that I'm going to get through this, and in the end I am going to be alright. I admit that sometimes it has been hard to go about my 'normal life' due to the emotionally fragile state in which I find myself. I have had to withdraw from my family, friends and even my support groups at times to make this a little bit easier. In turn, I have missed out on a few things that I am sad to have missed.

I regret that I missed Easter with my family, but know it was for the best as we were nearing the end of the 2ww with our precious Ninja. I needed to remain calm and stress-free.

I regret that I missed a reunion with three amazing couples whom I have not seen in a long time. But I think I did the right thing by staying home because it would have been too painful to see two brand new baby bumps on two out of the three other ladies. And I didn't want to put myself in a more vulnerable position with the other couple who has been insensitive in the past. 

I regret that I missed my best friend from kindergarten's baby shower. But again, I know it was the best move to protect myself at this time (especially being the day before Mother's Day).

I regret that we were not able to celebrate the excitement of a new pregnancy on Mother's Day as we so hoped and wished we would. But that part of the plan is not up to us, and there is nothing we can do to change it. We must move on.

Where do we go from here? Aside from the grief that goes along with an IVF BFN, that question has been the primary source for my stress over the past 24 days. During our cycle with Frostie Ninja, I had resolved not to think ahead any farther than the next step. And I did an excellent job at doing that... I honestly did not think ahead about all of the many what if's.

Maybe that's why it has been so difficult the past 24 days. Because it all hit me like a ton of bricks. How many times do we go about our lives stressing about what could be? Think of all the time you've spent worrying about things that might have been that never were (thankfully). I don't want to live like that... I don't want to worry my days away. So I have no regrets for how we went about our cycles with Ninja.

We are in the midst of coming up with a new plan. It has been overwhelming and confusing when considering all of the options. I admit that anytime I have thought about it in the past, I have quickly dismissed the thought because I knew I was going to worry myself sick. Well, now here we are. I have to face it.

Our choices so far:

• IVF #4
• IUI #5, 6, 7, 8......
• See a Reproductive Immunologist
• IVF with Donor Eggs
• Adoption

IVF #4 is a big HELL NO. I don't know if this will ever be an option ever again. But I do know that it is not an option for right now. I cannot go through the anxiety that goes along with another round of fert reports. The 1-6 days after ER are simply too stressful.

IVF with donor eggs and adoption are good options, but I don't know that I'm ready to go there. At least not today I am not.

So for now, we have made an appointment with a Reproductive Immunologist (RI) to see if we can get some answers there. They look at fertility from a different point of view and focus on the impact of the immune system on reproduction. Many REs don't value the field of RI, but we have consulted with six REs and they have all come up with the same thing for us: unexplained infertility and no baby. Maybe they will find something worthwhile for us? Maybe not. But at least we'll be able to move forward knowing that we tried everything. Unfortunately, it is a long wait... our initial consultation is on August 20th. That is 96 days away....... depressing!!! But at least we are in double digits and moving towards something. More depressing is that we won't get our results until September 29th (136 days...............).

In the meantime, I have an appointment with our original RE next week. I have a loooooooong list of questions, and am looking forward to hearing what he thought of our two cycles with the other clinic. Maybe he'll see something. Probably not. But I'm hoping we can do a few IUIs while we wait for the RI.

Also in the works is the possibility of donor eggs. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on which addresses the topic. We have consulted with the two best clinics in the state for DE. It is a lot to think about.

Wow, so I guess after being quiet for such a long time, I really had a lot to say! If you made it through all of that, good for you! I have a sticker for you! Lots of love to you all <3