Well, shit. That didn't go well at all.
Strike 1: Dr. Kim did my ultrasound. It was obvious that he still remembers me, and our awkward consultation. I still intensely dislike that man.
Strike 2: My lining is a Type II... on the sixth day of estrogen, I get the feeling that it shouldn't be. Dr. Kim asked me if I was still bleeding... no....
Strike 3: There is a sack of fluid in my lining. This is extremely alarming. We found out on the night of our trigger for IVF #1 that we had fluid documented in my lining. This was the first time I heard that was even a thing. Dr. Jurema insisted that it was alright to proceed, and that the fluid had resolved itself. The result of that cycle was obviously a BFN. We will never know why... our embryos probably arrested... and if by some miracle they did make it to blastocyst, maybe it was my lining. I don't know what it was, but it is something that I carry around as a regret.
I have said from the beginning: if the conditions in my uterus are not ideal, then I don't want to go forward with the transfer. We can't take any chances with our one and only embryo. My nurse will call me this afternoon with further instructions. I will ask her a lot of questions and tell her that we want to cancel. She will tell us the truth.
I feel so angry. And deeply disappointed. I feel like this is never going to happen for us. I know I'm just saying this, and that I don't mean it, but... I want to give up. I hate this. I hate my body for betraying us time and time again.
So sorry it was such a disappointing appointment. I think you are so strong for making the decision to cancel if the conditions are not like you want. FX you will have the perfect place for frosty ninja to snuggle into soon. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks ttu... my nurse thinks it's too soon to pull the plug on this cycle. We're going to hang in there and stay the course for now. But if things aren't looking perfect before transfer, then you bet we'd cancel. I just want this to be over. I'm so sick of the constant disappointment and stress...
DeleteSounds like a good plan. I think the disappointment has been the hardest part of this process for me. I hate that any of us have to go through this. Just know that no matter if you end up having to cancel or not, there are lots of us rooting for you and hoping and praying this little ninja is your take home baby. <3
Delete<3 I wish no one had to go through the pain of IF. I appreciate your thoughts & prayers for our little ninja! And don't you know it, I'm praying for you too, especially today!!! GOOD LUCK with your beta!!!!!
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