BFN

Just like that, it is over. John & I took a half day from work so we could be together at home to listen to the message. I turned my phone off at 9:45am because I knew the call would come in before I made it home, and I didn't want to be tempted. I prayed as it powered down that we would turn it on at noon to get the best message of our life.

Instead, we heard Nurse Jessica's sad tone telling us that it was not good news, and she was so sorry that she had to leave us a message to tell us. My beta is zero and I am not pregnant.

I was numb to the news for a few hours. I didn't even cry as John and I hugged each other and he said words to fill the silence. He said things like, "I really thought this was going to be it for us." All I could say was that I was sorry.

We only laid there for a few minutes until I rallied the strength to tell the girls on IDOB. John got up to make lunch, and we decided to spend the day taking over the "should be a nursery but is actually a crap room."

Before...

We have lots of work to do here

Color samples... purple for the Fabulous Room, blue/gray for our bedroom 

What do you think of the paint colors? We are thinking Dark Purple only for the accent wall.

We still have work to do in here, but got a lot done today.

The plan is to make the room into a Fabulous Room. I have no freaking clue what we're going to put in there... honestly, we have so many empty rooms in this house. It really saddens me. Maybe a second music room? Crafting room? Day dreaming room??

By 4:00, I decided that I was ready to call my clinic and schedule our WTF appointment. As I was on hold waiting to talk to someone, the other line buzzed through... it was Dr. M. He said he was so sorry (and sounded like he really meant it). I told him that we understood that this outcome was a realistic possibility. He apologized that Nurse Jessica had to leave a message. I told him that was actually our preference. I then told him that we are not the "take a break and think it over for a while" type of people. We want to schedule our WTF appointment ASAP so we can come up with a decision and move on quickly. He then offered his first availability on Thursday at 3:30. Good. I already feel better knowing that we have an appointment.

Dr. M said that he has some ideas to improve our cycle for the next time. While that is wonderful to hear that he actually has hope for us, we are one IVF cycle short of reaching our lifetime max covered by insurance. While we have the means to pay OOP a bit, there is also a limit to the depth of our pockets. And there's the tempting double-edged sword in that our insurance covers egg donors. Is it time to give up on the dream of a biological connection to my child? Can I possibly be ok knowing that my little girl won't have my bouncy curls or the unfortunate family nose? Or is it more important to move onto something that will work? Now?

I have been around the block enough times to know that I shouldn't tempt fate by saying, "I don't know how much longer I can stay strong and keep this up." So for now, I'm going to stick with this: "FUCK YOU INFERTILITY!!"

7dpFET

The first week has gone by so easily. Almost too easily. So, of course, yesterday I started to crumble just a tad.

The day before I noticed a touch of a breakout on my neck. Well, yesterday it was flaring. I mean, it was and still is BAD. Don't believe me? Here's the evidence:

Top Left: fully exposed and not looking so good ~ Top Right: operation cover-up part 1
Bottom: fully covered up, but coming out for NIAW! Podcast has been recorded!

I pray that the breakouts are a good sign for our Ninja, and not just an unfortunate side effect from the Estrace or PIO. It's normal for me to breakout a bit before my period (and also before ovulation) but this is to an extreme unlike any other cycle. 

I tried to put it out of my mind, and went to my friend's home studio to record our podcast. I am a bit nervous that people won't want to listen to it... I think it is too long, but Matt insists that people will listen. I'm just going to let it be. I hope it is helpful to someone somewhere out there! It felt good to talk it out, and I had fun playing with the microphones :)

Today is Easter, so we went to church. I prayed extra hard for our Ninja along with prayers for all the Dreamer babies, including and especially Petey Nugget and Rowan Elizabeth. As we were leaving church, I sneezed... and it hurt. It felt like a sudden and sharp pain in my right ovary. John told me not to sneeze (haha, yeah, ok) and we went along to the grocery store.

The flowers we bought for our Ninja! Happy Easter, Ninja :)

Now, we are spending the rest of the day just relaxing. I am sad that we are not spending Easter with our families, but we decided that we needed to eliminate any potential stressors during this time. Only two more sleeps until our beta!! Wish us luck!! 

Visiting Ninja

Every day from February 21st through April 13th, this was my view. The sun wasn't always beaming like that. Sometimes it was pouring, most times it was gray. But those bare trees were always there.

There'd always be a song playing from my car stereo. Something I picked out just for Ninja. And I'd look up out of the sun roof while I did my Circle + Bloom program.

For those seven weeks, I looked forward to visiting Ninja everyday. It was our special time, and no matter how tough my day had been, I'd always smile as I pulled into the parking lot.

I am loving this time right now. Being with Ninja 24/7. It's awesome. I am trying to acknowledge all of my thoughts and emotions. Hold onto the positive, and let the negative go. I hope and pray almost every second of the day that Ninja will be our baby.

Blood Work

I went in today, 2dpFET, to have my hormone levels checked. Specifically, my progesterone and estrogen. The nurse told me that the levels would fluctuate, but my numbers are both good and above what they look for at this point. They want progesterone over 20 and mine is 44, and estrogen over 80 and mine is 699. I am to continue on the same dose (1cc PIO and two 2mg Estrace tablets). I will return in one week to have my blood drawn for my beta.

John & I are planning to go to work on beta day for a half day. I'll get my blood drawn before I go to work, and then we'll both meet at home to listen to the message or take the call together. Some of my friends have asked me if I think I can make it without testing. I know without a doubt that I won't test. I just can't see a negative test again. After the way I tortured myself testing for IVF #1, I can't do that again. I promised myself that I'd go beta or bust for IVF #2, but then we never made it to transfer. I didn't bother testing for the IUI cycle we did in January while we were consulting with new REs. I knew there was no reason to... I still remember the last HPT I took on October 21st. It was beyond depressing to see the stark white test staring back at me. So, no. I won't be testing early. Not a question about it.

The only way I'm taking a HPT during this cycle is if we get a positive beta. THEN I'd want to test and see those two lines for myself :)

1dpFET

I'm not really sure if I'm 1dp5dt or 1dp6dt. It doesn't really matter because I'm not planning to test. Beta or bust, all the way!

I will say that I feel all the usual side effects from the progesterone. Cramping and slight nausea are my usual suspects. And, of course, the 'occasional' mood swing ;)

What is really wonderful are the moments when I remember that Ninja is with me right now :) For example, I was driving today and listening to my IF Playlist. I was singing along and then realized that I wasn't alone in the car! Then I sang to Ninja (and got teary eyed while singing "I Just Haven't Met You Yet"). John & I ate by the bay, and we proudly pointed out that it was Ninja's first trip to the water.

After I finished doing my PIO shot, I was laying on the couch with the heating pad. John walks in with his saxophone and plays a song for Ninja <3 Truly the sweetest thing he has ever done to my knowledge.

I am loving every second with Ninja, and pray nearly every minute that he sticks around. I am so in love and can't get enough of my sweet little Ninja!!

PUPO!!!

We have officially been reunited with our beautiful Ninja :) The transfer was quite an experience! They brought our embryo into the room in an incubator. We saw the embryologist load Ninja into the catheter, she pointed him out in the tube, and then handed him over to the doctor. We watched on the screen for a little white speck. I saw it! That was our Ninja! And in true ninja fashion, he went so quickly that John didn't see. 

I had to take a progesterone suppository this morning at 11:00, and then we reported to the clinic at 1:15. I had to fill my bladder. I knew it wouldn't take much... I only drank 8 ounces. I ended up having to empty my bladder twice because the nurses said I was too full! I also tried out the laser acupuncture and listened to the Circle + Bloom frozen embryo transfer program. 

Before that, we went to church this morning. It is Palm Sunday, so John picked up one for each of us. Then we noticed that one of them was actually two fused together!!! If that's not a sign, I don't know what is!!!

Hang on tight, Ninja! I'll do my best to remain calm, positive and stress-free for the next nine days. All you have to do is pick a spot that you like and snuggle in tight :) I love you!!!

We are so proud of our Ninja :)

Final Lining Check

It's good!! 6.5, Type III, blood work is good. TRANSFER IS ON FOR TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm continuing with my regular meds - PIO, Estrace, doxycycline, medrol. I will do one applicator of Metrogel in a few minutes, and a progesterone suppository tomorrow at 11:00. We are to report to our clinic at 1:00 tomorrow afternoon.

SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Frostie Ninja will no longer be a frosty in a matter of hours!! Wish us luck!!!!!

FUIF Hill Repeats

I was having a pretty decent day until about 4:30pm. Then it unraveled when I got some news. At first, I ignored the usual reaction and string of emotions, and just tried to tell myself that I was ok. Turns out, I'm not ok.

I'm angry. I mean A.N.G.R.Y. I am so fucking pissed at infertility. It takes so much. It hurts so much.

I went to my therapy session, and vented a lot of it out, but I still left feeling pissed as all hell. I knew there was only one thing that would help: an ass-kicking, pavement-pounding run. When I got home from therapy, I got myself situated to do my PIO shot, but first geared up. The plan: jab my ass with an inch and a half needle at 8:30pm, and then go out and run hill repeats.

Best.idea.ever.

I decided to dedicate the run to all of the Dreamers and anyone who knows the pain of infertility. Coda came along and helped me. We went out for our warm-up mile, and from the first stride we were both on a mission and full of fury. I ran each hill repeat with a different aspect of IF in mind, and when I got to the end of the interval I shouted "FUIF!!"

1. Hill Repeat 1 (60 seconds) - Infertility in general - FUIF!!
2. Hill Repeat 2 (60 seconds) - All the BFNs - FUIF!!
3. Hill Repeat 3 (60 seconds) - All the painful CD1s - FUIF!!
4. Hill Repeat 4 (120 seconds) - Chickin, Petey Nugget & DH <3 - FUIF!!!!!!!
5. Hill Repeat 5 (120 seconds) - Becky, Baby & DH, who are in my prayers <3 - FUIF!!!
6. Hill Repeat 6 (120 seconds) - The Dreamers - FUIF!!!
7. Hill Repeat 7 (60 seconds) - All of the losses (including our arrested embryos who never got a chance) - FUIF!!!!!
8. Hill Repeat 8 (60 seconds) - All of the broken dreams - FUIF!!!
9. Hill Repeat 9 (60 seconds) - All of the countless sacrifices for a chance at this dream - FUIF!!!!

I have to say that I actually feel better. And I can't think of a better way to get the muscle moving after my PIO shot ;) 

And on a humorous note, I left the house with the intention of pounding the shit out of the pavement. A half mile into the warm-up, I found myself turning back towards the house because I had to take a... errr... potty break... LOL!!

PIO & Co.

The first PIO shot is tonight - as in 23 minutes away! I am a sicko in that I have a strange curiosity about pain. I want to know what it feels like and have found out that as long as I know how it hurts that I don't fear it as much. I think this probably explains my marathon addiction too :) After my first marathon, it hurt so much that I didn't know if I'd ever do it again. But then a year later, I decided what the hell, I'm just gonna try it again. Next thing I knew, I was totally hooked!

That's not to say that I'm going to like getting IM shots. But in this case... I welcome the opportunity to inflict pain upon myself for the next several weeks if it means that I get a baby at the end. And not just any baby... FROSTIE NINJA!!!

I'm so truly excited and hopeful about our reunion. I had a little talk with Frostie Ninja today while I was 'visiting' her at the clinic. I told her that we have to work together and both try our best. I'll do the best I can to stay calm and relaxed and prepare the perfect home for her. I hope she tries her best to grab on tight and snuggle in. I know she will... I really think we can do it!!

I'll be back to update this post after my shot. I'm going to attempt to do this myself, but will call Johnny if I can't manage on my own. Wish me luck!!!

*************************************************************

I'm back and happy to report that self-administration of PIO is not that bad :D I did it!! 

I totally screwed up the needles when drawing the PIO up... I drew it up with the 22g, and then switched to the 18g thinking that was the needle I was supposed to inject with. As soon as I took the cap off I panicked big time!! Thankfully that moment of doubt prompted me to go to the Dreamers and say, hey is this right?!? (In much more decorated verbiage, lol) They told me that I switched the needles. THANK GOD!! So I put the 22g back on and it seemed so much smaller after seeing the 18g!!

NINJA RUN!!!

I had been dreaming of doing a "Ninja Run" ever since our little ninja existed. Well, today I DID IT!!! Coda & I ran the course from our house to the clinic and back home again. It was so awesome to literally run to Frostie Ninja :D

A little about the pictures:

1. Left 1: New Shoes! Aren't they pretty?? I just got them on Friday night. They were long overdue... I had put off the trip to the running store because it was too depressing. I didn't feel like I had earned it. But after completing the Team FUIF March Challenge, I rewarded myself!
2. Left 2: Before the run in what is coming together to be my SuperCici costume. I plan to wear the shirt & skirt along with a cape and a few other accessories for the Superhero Half Marathon.
3. Left 3: That building behind me? Yeah, Frostie Ninja is in there!!! Not for much longer though!! ONE WEEK TILL TRANSFER!!!
4. Middle Left: Me & my favorite running buddy visiting Frostie Ninja!
5. Middle Right: We made it home! Mocha is thankful that I didn't drag her along ;)
6. Right 3: Coda is soooo tired :)
7. Right 2: Look who just ran 10.6 miles for the first time! Good job, Coda!!
8. Right 1: 10.67 miles in 2:07:25 - woohoo!!
9. Middle: Me & Coda feeling proud!
10. Bottom: The elevation map... that was one mean hill!!

I literally shouted out loud, "FU IF!!!" after every mile. It felt so good! 

ONE WEEK TO GO!

And let me tell you, it's gonna fly by! I have three very intense days coming up at work. Two are 'instrument sampling days' where I will teach almost 200 third graders how to make a sound with a clarinet. That means that I have to change 200 reeds and sanitize the mouth piece 200 times. Plus, tolerate the honking and squeaking. That will be on Monday and Wednesday. Then on Saturday, I have honors band. I am the event coordinator, so it's been super busy getting ready for that. The day of the event will be nonstop. I'll be on my feet from 7:00 in the morning until 4:00 in the afternoon, and lucky if I get to take a minute to sit down with a slice of pizza.

On top of it all, I have to get ready for this little old FET ;) I'm starting PIO on Tuesday - just two days away!! And I have my final lining check on Saturday. I'll have to go in to the clinic at 6:00am before going to honors band.

After getting through that, I'm sure I will just collapse. The next day, Sunday, I will go in for the transfer. Thankfully, I have spring break the following week. I plan to catch up on a lot of rest!

Transfer Schedule

We are officially scheduled for our transfer....

SQUA-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

::happy dance:: ::happy dance:: ::happy dance::

Here's the schedule:

April 8 start PIO, doxycycline, medrol, and decrease Estrace
April 12 final lining check
April 13 NINJA TRANSFER!!!
April 15 blood work
April 22 beta


Originally, they wanted to schedule us for April 10th with Dr. Evil (boo hissssss), but I asked if we could schedule for after April 12th. I'm the event coordinator for honors band that day. It is always a stressful, labor intensive and exhausting day. Thankfully, we are able to do the transfer the next day AND with another doctor.

Getting all of that information made me feel a bit sick to my stomach at first... But now, I'm just feeling excited!! Squa-weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Lining Check #3

Watch your fingers and toes, I'm in a pissy mood today. I don't know exactly what it is, but as I was driving to the clinic I found myself crying behind the wheel. I was thinking, "This is not really my life, right? This is all a big joke?" 

When I arrived, I said hello to Frostie Ninja from my car and felt a lot better. It's wonderful to know that he's in there, under a deep freeze, waiting for my body to be ready. I walked up the stairs to the second floor, signed in, and then sat with the fishies for the few minutes it took them to call me back. I imagined myself as one of the fish, just swimming around with no worries in the world. Then I started to get angry at the fish, because they surely have no troubles reproducing, laying their eggs... hell, they'll even eat their babies. Assholes.

The phlebotomist called me back, and I had my blood drawn. She told me to take a "big breath" right before she stuck me with the needle. Who are you kidding, honey? Just stick the damn thing and get it over with. I'm fine. I know she was just trying to be nice, but like I said before, I'm in a pissy mood. I'm mad at fish for crying out loud, so of course she's on my list too no matter how sweet she is.

Then I moved over to the ultrasound waiting area. There were a lot of women waiting. One couple was all perky and upbeat. I wanted to punch her in the face for being happy when I'm not. Again, I know it's not her fault that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but still. Shut up. Then another woman walked in wearing a pretty dress, nails perfectly painted the sweetest shade of pink. Who the hell has their shit together this early in the morning? And to go to the RE?! I side eyed the shit out of her.

Finally, the nurse called me back into the ultrasound room. As she was pulling my file up on the computer, I asked her, "This is all just an April Fool's joke, right?" She totally did not get it. She asked me what was the joke. Ok, so obviously she doesn't get infertility humor. She must be a fertile. Lucky bitch. (Again, I don't really think that. Just bitter!)

The doctor took a while to come in the room, so I chatted on my phone with some of the Dreamers. I bitched and complained a little, which didn't really make me feel better. Then the doctor came in, a doctor who I've never met before. He's one of the founding doctors of the practice, and I've decided to nickname him Dr. Beaker. He looks like a muppet, and the white lab coat just took me to Beaker.

He small talked with me a little bit, and asked about my dose of Estrace. When I told him that I was on two tablets vaginally three times a day, he paused. I blurted out, "Yeah, I have a pretty stubborn lining. Stubborn reproductive system as a whole, actually." Way to make a great impression with the doctor, Cici. But you know, I'm in a pissy mood, so I don't give a shit.

Then good news! Dr. Beaker called out the first measurement, "Type I, 6.8..." and took my measurements three times. The other two measurements were over 7! Surprise! He said that he thought I was ready to move onto the next step, but that my doctor would look over today's ultrasound and make the call. This put a smile on my face and in my heart :D

As I was getting dressed I noticed that the doctor left my last ultrasound picture up on the screen. In total JenTee fashion, I ninja-ed the situation and took a picture with my phone.

Now I'm just waiting for a call from my nurse to let me know what the plan is. In the meantime, the universe still seems intent on pissing me off. I got to work, and one of my colleagues was in a chatty mood. I just wanted to be left alone, but she wanted to tell me about her plans to do the Couch to 5K again, and wanted advice about running shoes. I was trying to answer her questions, and then some students walked in, and my colleague gawked all over this little girl's beautiful hair cut. Shut up, shut up, shut up!!